50 free tips to become a trauma-informed parent

In this diary entry, I discuss 50 ways to parent your child from an anti-pathology, trauma-informed perspective

Jun 04, 2024

Some of you will know that I am a mum of two teenage sons. They are 15 and 13 years old. I rarely post or talk about them, and I work really hard to protect them from my online life. Their privacy means a lot to me. And to them.

However, I have been thinking recently about ways I can write for you all about my approach to parenting, without breaching their privacy. So I am going to write it all out in this post, and see how I get on. If it’s okay, I’ll publish it on my blog, if not, I guess it will stay here in my notes forever!

Ever since the kids were babies, I’ve had some guiding principles (way before I was a psychologist, way before I understood trauma and abuse). The first one, and probably the most important one, was that I didn’t believe in shouting, screaming, hitting or in any way intimidating a child.

I wonder now, whether that’s because I myself was a child when I had children, and I was still heavily connected to my childhood experiences of being screamed at, hit, and intimidated (sometimes by family, but mostly by teachers and others). Those strong bodily memories of the utter fear of being screamed at or being accused of something I hadn’t done, or being threatened with being hit made me realise that I could never inflict that on another human being, least of all, a child.

As the years have gone on, and parenting has presented me with many, MANY challenges, I have had to find ways to uphold my values even when others have been putting pressure on me to be ‘stricter’ (read: wanting me to yell at my kids or verbally abuse them).

‘Verbally abuse’. Abuse. We don’t use that term enough as parents. How can we possibly bring up safe, caring, healthy children if we verbally abuse them when they do something wrong or don’t listen to us?

In parenting colloquialism it’s called ‘telling them off’, but the moment you slip into name calling, shouting, threatening, and intimidation - as far as I’m concerned, it’s abuse.

So I worked really hard on never crossing that line with my kids. It’s something I know I’ll never have to carry: the guilt or shame of knowing I harmed my kids. I know I never laid a hand on either of them, and I know I have never mocked or bullied them, I’ve never threatened them or intimidated them. I know my kids never have to carry that trauma from me, either.

The bar really is that low for parenting, unfortunately. So many of us grew up in households where we would be threatened with, ‘You wait til your Dad gets home!’ - where Dad was used as a physical threat, and he would come home and hit you for misbehaving. So many of us grew up with parents who called us stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, and told us they hated us, or wished they never had us.

I desperately wanted to do better than that, and even though I was a child at the time, the pledge I made to myself and to my children is something I guard with my life.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not been easy to continue to use gentle, non-traumatic, non-abusive parenting tactics (especially when everyone around you is using them, and mocking you for not falling in line). A lot of effort must go into your parenting if you are to choose APTI (anti-pathology, trauma-informed) parenting.

My teens are very different from one another. One requires deep emotionally intelligent explanations for absolutely everything to correct their thoughts or behaviour, whilst the other needs clear instructions and solutions with lots of repetition and patience.

Realising that your kids are totally different humans with totally different experiences is a big part of getting your parenting right, in my opinion. What worked for one is not going to work for the other.

On that basis, I thought I could share some of my best advice and tips I have learned as the years have gone on, to help others who would like to adopt anti-pathology, trauma-informed parenting like I have.

It doesn’t matter if your kid is 2 months old or 12 years old, you can apply these 50 principles and approaches, and you will see a totally different way of parenting.

Are we ready?

Okay, let’s do this.

50 anti-pathology, trauma-informed parenting tips, and the first one is huge.

You must apologise to your children if you get something wrong, or if you overreact. A pretty simple one here, but you are not perfect, and neither are they. They need to learn that you respect them enough to admit you did something wrong, and that you can apologise to them. This will role model to them how to do this, when to do this, and why to do this. It should also mean that they have the confidence in future to tell you when you’re in the wrong and need to reflect.
Pay attention to your kids’ personality and the way they process conflict. Some kids will go silent, some kids will sob, some kids will disassociate, some kids will lie, some kids will appease you, some kids will blame everyone else. Pay attention, and learn how they respond. Watch their body language, eye contact, facial expressions, hand gestures. Talk to your kids about how they deal with conflict. If you’re feeling particularly brave, you need to ask them if you intimidate them or if you need to approach a situation better in future.
Do not force your children to answer you. Lots of kids become so frightened when they are being told off that they simply go silent. They don’t or can’t talk. Do not force or count down to answers. Do not yell at them, ‘answer me!’ Do not punish them for ‘ignoring you’. The likelihood is, you’ve lost control, you’ve scared them, and now they don’t know what to do or say. They freeze, and you are responsible for that. Even if your child has done something pretty terrible, there are still ways of having that conversation safely that don’t cause them to shut down.
Do not bully or intimidate your children. This one should be obvious but I guarantee you that you are harming them significantly. As in, life-changing trauma. As in, one day they’ll be in therapy, crying about the things you did and said to them, and how they can’t get over the abusive childhood. Your children deserve safety and love. If you are reading this and know you lose control and intimidate your kids or bully them, get help immediately. This is on you.
Recognise when you are getting angry, and diffuse. Look, life is hard, and then when you throw in parenting kids on top, you’re eventually going to lose your patience. However, if you are dealing with a situation with your kid and you start to feel anger rising inside of you, step away immediately and diffuse. Whether it’s ‘mummy is going to walk away now for a moment’ or it’s ‘this situation is escalating and I think we both need to take 15 minutes and come back to this’. You need to control your own anger, and you need to role model how to do this yourself. Walk away. Always.
Teach them that lying will always get them in more trouble than being honest. Your kids will go through multiple lying phases. Psychological theory suggests that this is because they are learning new cognitive and social skills. They learn to lie and manipulate, and so they use it. This happens frequently between 3-5 years old, then again maybe between 8-11 years old. You may have one more spurt of it in teen years but it should be going away by then (unless it’s become a coping mechanism). Always encourage the truth and reward it. Stick to your words, if you tell them that telling the truth will be better, don’t kick off when they tell the truth.
Ensure they understand that adults are flawed. They must know this one. You need to talk to them about adults being dangerous, useless, liars, making mistakes, being harmful, lazy, making poor choices, being annoying and everything else adults can be. They cannot be brought up to believe adults are flawless and you are flawless. We are not their dictators. They don’t need to believe we are perfect. We are humans.
Teach them critical thinking, and teach them pick apart everything they are taught and told. This is important. Have critical discussions and ask their opinion of anything and everything. What did you think of that movie? Why do you think that character is doing that? Did you see the news today? Do you like this kind of music? Why do you think that advert uses that approach? Why do you think we are being controlled in this way? Have you ever thought about this? What do you think about freedom of speech? Do you agree with the death penalty? Do you think parents should be able to choose your religion? Literally, do it all with them over the years. They need sharp minds to survive in this world. Sharpen them for them, because school will not.
Teach them emotional literacy, and lead by example. Teach them to recognise their emotions. Sadness. Guilt. Shame. Joy. Fear. Worry. Frustration. Anger. Disgust. Shock. Horror. Exhaustion. Annoyance. They need you to teach them what those feelings are and why they happen and what they mean.
Talk to them about abuse and grooming. I would advise you to begin doing this in an age-appropriate way from around 5 years old. You must talk to your kids about people wanting to touch them, telling them to keep secrets, scaring them, making them feel weird or making them feel unsafe. Remind them frequently that you will be there if they ever need to tell you.
Don’t let them date until they are old enough - as late as possible. In a highly sexualised society, your kids are going to want a girlfriend or boyfriend by the time they are in Year 7. And everyone knows, Year 7 is fucking chaos. Ask any teacher. Anyway, they do not need to be dating, they are tiny kids. Ban them from dating, but encourage them to have lots of girl and boy mates. Explain that you have a house rule against dating until they are old enough, and stick by it as long as possible. Tell them that they can have lots of friends and do great stuff, but they don’t need to date. There is zero reason why your child needs to be in an intimate relationship with another child.
Little children do not need a smartphone, don’t give in to peer pressure. This is a simple one - all the evidence shows that the earlier you give a child a smartphone, the more psychological harm it causes. They don’t need one. Stop it. Only give them a phone when they are going out with friends and walking or getting a bus to school every day and you need it for safety.
Correct their behaviour by removing privileges, not by harming them. You are going to need something up your sleeve for correcting behaviour. Remove privileges. Remove tech, remove fun things, remove WiFi access, remove pocket money, remove favourite sweets or treats. These are legitimate and non-violent ways of putting consequences in place. If they have done something really bad, you need to consider how to truly hold them accountable. Do they need to apologise to someone in writing? Do they need to meet with the person they hurt? Do they need to be removed from the school sports team? Do you need to go and tell their teachers?
Don’t take their mistakes personally. They’re kids. They are not making mistakes to deliberately annoy you. They are still learning. This isn’t about you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve told them ten times. It’s not about you.
Try to put yourself in their shoes as often as you can. Please do this as much as possible. Stop. Put yourself in their position. Reflect. Think. Breathe. Now think it through again.
Don’t force new things on them, because they will grow to hate or fear new experiences. Encourage by all means, but whether it’s broccoli or a hair cut, introduce new things positively and gently without force or threat. If you use force, threat or intimidation for new foods or new experiences, your child will form a negative association with them and will not do it again.
Learn all about their school life, their friends, and their social life. Listen to them, learn from them. You need to know what’s going on in your kid’s life.
Ban violent and abusive video games. There is zero reason why your child should be playing 18 rated war games and GTA. All the psychological research demonstrates how harmful it is. Ban them now. Even if you think they’ve been playing them for ages, get rid of them. Replace them with other games. They may well be mardy, but this is your house and your parenting. These are your rules. Stick by them. No violent games in your house.
Ban porn, use internet filters, and talk to them about the use of porn.Same as above. Keep them away from porn as long as physically possible. Talk to them about it, but explain that it is not real, it’s often violent and unrealistic, and they should not watch it. Ramp your internet filters up and their phone internet filters. Check all parental controls. 50% of 10 year olds are watching porn according to NSPCC. Porn Hub reports that at any one time, 1 in 10 of their viewers are kids.
Remember how influenced they are by peers and media. Your kids are being marketed to and influenced in ways you have never experienced. They are being groomed and controlled via media and their phones. You need to bear this in mind as they grow.
You are their mentor, not their best mate. This one is a fine balance, but you must not slip into ‘best mate mode’. You need to be their rock and their mentor. They don’t need someone who lets them do everything so they like you, they need someone who is stable and solid in a storm, and will mentor them through life.
Let them express themselves, and let them swear if they need to. There are one thousand things worse than swearing. If they need to let something out, let them. Who cares? They are all swearing behind your back at school anyway. Trust me. They need to be able to talk. Everyone swears. Don’t make it a big deal and it won’t be a big deal.
Encourage them to try new opportunities. Always. As many as possible. But don’t force them or threaten them, or they’ll become scared of new opportunities.
Support them when they try out new looks, styles and hobbies. Don’t mock your kids when they try a new trend. Just let them live it and experiment. Just leave them to it. It’s a part of growing up, and you need to be there for them whilst they do this. They need the confidence to try new looks and styles.
Create an anti-violence household. That means no hitting your siblings. No violent games. No violent movies. No slamming doors. No breaking things. No violent tantrums. No throwing things. No fighting. No wrestling that gets out of hand. No screaming ‘I hate you’ at each other. Create your rules and stick by them.
Shaming them will cause resentment. Trust me on this one. Don’t shame your kids into changing their behaviour. It might look like it works in the short term because humans are very sensitive to shame, but it will backfire on you somewhere. Shame is powerful and it always causes harm.
They are going to have times when they spiral or struggle - do not pathologise them. Do not rush your kid to a doctor or a therapist when they start to struggle. They need you to listen, support, believe, accept, advise, cuddle and love them. They are going to have a rollercoaster, and you need to be the safety belt. Sometimes it’s gone get pretty scary! But nothing good will come from convincing yourself they have ADHD and bipolar and so on. They need to learn how to feel their feelings and so do you.
Your kid will develop unevenly, and you need to remember this. Ah yes. Remember that their development will come in spurts. They’ll develop in one area and slow down in another. They’ll be so grown up in some ways, and act like a 4 year old in others. You’ll think they totally get it, only to realise they don’t. Give them time. This isn’t easy. They develop unevenly. We all do. We develop in different domains, one form of development will slow down to allow another to speed up.
Recognise trauma and distress behaviours. Learn as much as you can about spotting the signs that your kid is struggling. Everything from physiological changes to behavioural. Pay attention. Has something changed? Why? When? Did something happen?
Talk to your kids, all the time, about everything. Kids learn immense amounts from conversations with you. Literally anything. What are burgers made out of? How fast do trains go? Do you think we will ever go to the moon again? What’s an interest rate? What job do you want to do? Should we get a dog? What’s your favourite colour? Why don’t you like peas? Why is that old man at the bus stop so rude? Why do my friends keep arguing? When can I have my ears pierced? Talk. Talk. Talk. Just chat to them. Engage with them. Whilst you cook. In the car. Round the supermarket. Ask their opinion. Get their views. Make plans with them.
Use co-viewing and discussion as much as you can. Media is a fucking cesspit - you will need to use co-viewing to encourage them to critically dissect what they see. Watch stuff with them and then have a conversation about it. Could be a soap. Or a drama. Or a film. Debrief. Talk about scenes and messages and character behaviours. Talk about problematic scenes. Talk about why they did things or said things. This will teach them critical thinking.
If you and your partner argue around or in front of them, you both need to apologise, resolve and explain it to them. Pretty basic. And I’m not talking domestic abuse here, I’m taking happy loving marriages where you’ve snapped at one another or bickered in front of the kids. You both need to resolve it and then apologise to your children. You need to explain, and you need to do it together. Role model healthy relationships.
Check their phones. Constantly. Create a rule that your teens are only allowed a phone if you have access to it, know all their passwords; and on the basis of regular phone checks. Do them. Do them properly. Talk to your kids about their phone use. Take their phones off them at night and have them in a central place on the landing or in your room on charge. Do not let them have phones in bed. Check their phones. If you find anything on there that bothers you (and you will), you need to talk to them calmly and openly each time. Remove their phone if they are misbehaving or harming others in any way. Their phone is a privilege.
Don’t let them have social media until late teens. Keep them away from socials at all costs for as long as you can. They do not need socials at all, they have no reason for them. The use of socials by children has been shown to increase psychological harm, and in any case, they have age limits on them. Keep them off Snapchat completely. It’s a fucking nightmare and nothing good comes from it. If you have teens, let them have WhatsApp and that’s it. Nothing else is needed. When they are old enough, the safest one in my opinion is Instagram. It’s still problematic, but once they are 15-16, you might want to consider insta. They won’t want Facebook. Snap is a toxic nightmare used for drugs, dick pics, sexting, gossiping and bullying. Tiktok is alright but they can get a bit obsessed with the short form content and scroll on it for hours. Twitter X is extremely abusive and best to keep them off that.
Teach them skills, it’s a great way to bond, and they get a new skill. Teach them to cook. Teach them to change a lightbulb. Teach them to dip oil in your car. Teach them to clean the oven. Teach them about money. Teach them to change a fuse. They like to learn and it’s vital they know this stuff.
They are not you, and they are not an extension of you. Do not live through your kids. I repeat. Do not live through your kids.
Talk to them about sex and relationships at every stage of development. This one is simple. Talk about sex and bodies and puberty and relationships as early and consistently as possible and you will demystify it. This means they’ll talk openly about it with you and not crawl up their own arse every time something is mentioned. They need to be able to come to you about stuff so you need to lay your foundations early.
Talk to your kids in neutral terms about sexuality, and remind them that you will love them whoever they end up with. Don’t say ‘when you get a girlfriend’ or ‘don’t you want the boys to like you’ or ‘one day when you have a husband’. Stay neutral. Around 40% of kids these days are bisexual or lesbian/gay. Chances are, at least one of your kids is gonna be LGBTQ. Give them the nod that you’re always happy with whoever they date - and keep your language neutral. Use ‘partner’ or use ‘boyfriend or girlfriend’ when talking about this. Don’t assume their sexuality. Remind them you love them whoever they love.
Don’t talk to your kids all the time about them having babies and getting married like that’s their only life outcome. Ugh. Don’t do this. Their life path isn’t get married have a baby and then die. Lots of kids don’t want to get married or have babies. Don’t talk to them like it’s this inevitable outcome. I don’t care if you want grandkids. This isn’t your life.
Recognise when your children are learning to manipulate you. This will come, friend. This will come. They’ll learn to manipulate you or play you off against someone else. They’ll learn to play dumb. They’ll learn to lie. It’s part of their social development unfortunately; but you need to pay attention and you need to call it out when they do it.
Do not give in to tantrums and emotional blackmail. No matter how big or how bad they are, don’t give in. They will learn to wear you down with force and aggressive outbursts and once they’ve established that, they are in total control of your household. It doesn’t matter if they are 5 years old or 15 years old. If they rage until they get what they want, you need to urgently find a way to stop this. This behaviour will continue into adulthood.
Your kid is not an angel, do not protect them from rightful consequences of their behaviour. I know how tempting it is to rush to their defence and tell your kid’s teacher they would never do such a thing, but the likelihood is, they did. Second, your kid is probably gonna do something bad or horrible at some point and they will need to experience consequence. It might be that no one wants to be their friend anymore, it might be that they get kicked off the football team. Whatever it is, you have to let it happen. It’s part of their journey. They need to learn what action and consequence is. Be there for them, talk to them about it, but don’t stop it from happening.
Your child may be a bully or an abuser, if you notice that they have these tendencies, you need to act fast and act effectively. Don’t shy away from this. You will sometimes spot your kids becoming abusive towards their younger siblings or other kids. They might be the school bully. They might be sending vile messages to some kid in their class. Get hold of that behaviour immediately and act firmly. You must not allow your child to continue this behaviour. Put time and effort into stopping this, because it will ruin their life and it will ruin countless other lives. If you feel out of your depth, get help.
Let them make choices and mistakes, be there when it all goes wrong, and don’t judge them. There are going to be times when you just need to sit back and let them make their own mistakes. It’s part of life. You need to be there for them, but you can’t always stop it from happening. Just be there and be a safe base to run back to.
Your kid is likely to be subjected to some form of abuse or trauma - don’t panic, you can get them through this. None of us get through life unscathed and your kid won’t either. They are highly likely to be exposed to abuse and harm. I know that’s scary, but you can absolutely get them through their traumatic experiences. Love them through it and be there. Don’t panic. Don’t wrap them in cotton wool. You can’t stop it all from happening to them. But you can be there when it does.
Do NOT have a favourite. Ensure you actively treat your children equally. This is extremely important. If you have multiple kids, do not treat them unequally. Do not use favouritism. You will cause conflict and harm between your children that you will never be able to take back. Deliberately and clearly demonstrate to your kids that they are all treated fairly.
Don’t gossip to your child or around your child. Do not teach them to talk behind the backs of others and smile to their faces. They will copy you. They will think lying and gossiping are normal and healthy behaviours. We don’t need any more people like this, and you shouldn’t be behaving like this yourself.
Remember that you are a constant role model to them - if they can see it, they can be it. And if they can’t see it, they probably don’t even know it’s a possibility. Your kids are looking up to you. You are their blueprint for so long. Remember that.
Don’t give in to the parenting pressure of others who want you to be more aggressive, intimidating or abusive. People will mock you. And put pressure on you. And question you. Stay calm, smile, ignore.
Parenting is a constant challenge, you are going to need support, advice, rest, love, tissues, a wall to bang your head on, a fuck tonne of money, and endless patience. It’s a learning curve that never ends. Just when you think one issue is over, another pops up. That’s the way of it, especially with multiple kids. You are going to need support and you are going to need your partner to be on your team. If they are not on your team, it’s gonna be one long, horrible road - take my advice and consider leaving that relationship if you are parenting with someone who is making your parenting impossible.

Wow. That was waaaaay more than I expected to write today. I am shattered now!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this and have taken something useful from it.

Jess x

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