Diary Entry: ‘I’m just another woman to f-ck over’

Dr Jess discusses why she has been feeling so disillusioned and lost recently

It’s been a while since I wrote a diary entry to you all. I’ve had a LOT to process recently, and I’ve debated whether to write anything at all. In fact, many times I’ve sat down to write this entry and I’ve not been brave enough, and then written something else. Something interesting, of course, but not this.

In fact, this post has been in draft since February, and I’m just now deciding to post it.

I don’t know how to start this entry, so I guess I will just write (as always) and see what comes out (as always!)

Okay. Just say it, Jess. Gah!

Deep breath.

I’m feeling profoundly disillusioned.

The sectors I work within are failing women and girls left, right and centre - and they have failed me too.

Despite everything I have done, and everyone I know, and everything I’ve ever written, taught, read, learned and experienced working with police, social care, VAWG charities and services - the failures to protect women and girls are starting to really hurt. Really cut me deep.

I’ve been doing this work for 15 years now, and during that time, not only have I worked with thousands of women and girls who have been raped, abused, beaten, trafficked, exploited, threatened, assaulted, stalked and harassed - but I’ve been a victim of several of these crimes myself.

Regardless of my knowledge and experience, I was treated as badly as any other woman.

(And I’ve said this in my teachings and books for years, our knowledge of VAWG will not protect us from VAWG! No matter how much we know, how much we’ve studied or what profession we are, it will not protect us from VAWG - this is a total myth we are fed which causes self-blame!)

My connections and knowledge failed to protect me in any way.

I am sure people would expect someone like me to be able to pull some strings, lawyer up, use my profile, or call in some favours - but ultimately, this hasn’t been the case. I’ve been failed just as much as any other woman or girl who has been subjected to abuse and violence in the last 15 years.

I have written to MPs - and been ignored. I’ve called in favours and been blanked. I’ve submitted evidence, and been silenced. I’ve asked for help and been left on read. I’ve asked for meetings and been shut down.

There are MPs and VAWG sector professionals who have my messages in their inbox, begging for help, and they know they’ve read them and blanked me (whilst of course still asking for my help, my platforms and my profile).

I do my job faithfully and passionately every day, I work in VAWG every day, I work with police, government, health, education, professionals - you name it, I’ve done it… all while my personal life has been turned upside down by the very same violence and abuse I’m trying to protect other women from.

It’s fucked up. And I’m not ashamed to talk about this.

I’m sure there will be people who feel I should keep this to myself, or feel that speaking on our own personal experiences of abuse and violence whilst also doing this work is in some way demeaning, or paints us in a vulnerable or unstable light - but you know how I feel about all that bullshit facade.

I’m tired of women in our sector having to pretend their lives are perfect and safe - and that nothing ever happens to us - because we risk being framed as problematic or as ‘victims’ (which just goes to show the real level of prejudice in our professions).

I’m also tired of our systems being so utterly pathetic. So protective of perpetrators rights. So dismissive of womens’ trauma.

I’m so sick of the empty bullshit. The promises of improvements. The endless ‘consultations with victims’. The academic research that just repeats the same shit we’ve all known for 50 years. The ‘survivors voice’ collabs where women and girls are wheeled out as trauma porn for a conference of 200 professionals, and then dropped with no support and no payment. The lack of protection of victims. The fucking 0% conviction rates that we are all supposed to ignore whilst being pressured to report crimes to the police.

And for what?

Most of the time, nothing but further trauma.

I have been reflecting recently on the amount of crimes I have actually been subjected to, and the fact that no one has been brought to justice. Just like so many millions of other women and girls who read my articles, comment on my socials, and message me every day - their experiences meant nothing, my experiences meant nothing, and they all led to nothing.

Multiple people have committed very serious crimes against me, with lots of evidence, and ultimately, our systems failed to take any action against them.

When I write and talk, and I tell you that I understand you, and I relate to you, I’m being serious.

I am choosing to write all of this today because I want it recorded somewhere.

So, here goes.