Trigger warning for suicide and death
It’s different for everyone, I’m absolutely sure of that, but for me, I think it was the hopelessness and helplessness that led to wanting to end my life.
Staring at your own death and feeling calmed by it is a very scary place to be. Feeling stilled by the belief that it will all be over soon, and all the problems will end, is a very strange experience.
I truly believe one of the only things that got me through was that I never believed I was disordered or ill. I was petrified don’t get me wrong, but I knew my reaction was common and normal, and I knew it had a purpose and a root cause.
Talking of dying is hard enough for most people, but a conversation about people who actually want to die, and feel that dying is the best outcome in their situation, scares people in such a deep way that it is much easier to chalk it up to a mental illness, a chemical imbalance - something abnormal about that person that could be fixed.
I don’t think feeling suicidal is a mental illness. I think it is our brain offering us a way out, when we feel we do not have one. It is the ultimate version of letting go, and giving up. And when we have been harmed so much for so long, it makes sense that eventually, that pressure crushes us.
Giving up and letting go, and therefore feeling suicidal doesn’t make you weak or disordered, it simply demonstrates the weight of what you are carrying.
The slow (or sudden) realisation that you are better off dead, that you will never feel better, that you are a burden to everyone around you and there is nothing left for you in this life is a mixture of absolutely terrifying and weirdly comforting. This deep feeling sets in, that there is no real point in being here, and at least when life is over, you won’t hurt anymore.
Rather than frame all of this as abnormal, irrational, and disordered - I want to use this article to tell you that these ways of thinking make sense, they are extremely common, and people from all walks of life have felt like this or are feeling like this right now. The vast majority never attempt to end their own life, but living with the feelings and desire to die is often enough to seriously harm us.
Many of us will be put under such immense pressure, and harmed in ways others will never understand or comprehend - and whilst we feel we are breaking from the pain, we are still expected to perform our ‘roles’ in the world (parent, sister, employee, friend, etc).
Often, the people we thought would be there for us are not there. People let us down, don’t notice us whilst we spiral, betray us when we entrust them, and don’t care when we tell them we can’t cope anymore.
We are then very likely to be told we are mentally ill or have a disorder that is causing the suicidal feelings.
But you know what?
The world can be a very dark place. People can be mind-blowingly abusive and harmful. Life can be extraordinarily unfair and unjust. Loss. Distress. Trauma. Lies. Relationship breakdown. Illness. Grief. Disaster. Anger. Injustice. Oppression. Dehumanisation of ourselves. These are all experiences that contribute to that deep feeling of being out of control, hopeless and helpless.
There’s nothing inherently or medically wrong with you for feeling that you can’t carry on, or you don’t want to carry on.
If you need to talk about it after reading this post, talk to someone you trust, or choose to talk to someone anonymously. You don’t even need to give a real name. Get it out. Say all the things you need to say. Vent. Rant. Cry. Despair. Ask the questions. Let it out and acknowledge that you are not coping with what life has piled on you.
Needing an escape hatch from a fucking hard life and existence is not an illness and is not about you being disordered or lacking resilience.
You WILL work past this. You are capable of processing these feelings and thoughts. Turn to face yourself, and show yourself the kinds of compassion and love you show others. What have you been put through? Who hurt you? What is making you feel so helpless and hopeless? What is keeping you trapped?
Now talk to someone. All my love ❤️
Text SHOUT to 85258 for an anonymous text conversation with a trained crisis counsellor about how you are feeling and what’s going on for you.
Or call Samaritans 116 123 for an anonymous phone call with a trained counsellor. You can also email them jo@samaritans.org
You deserve someone listening to you and validating your feelings and experiences.
Jess x