My journey into sound healing and meditation after trauma

Dr Jess writes about her journey into using sound baths and meditation in trauma - and why she wants to talk about it more

If you would have asked me anything about sound baths, sound healing or meditation a few years ago, I know what face I would have pulled at you.

I was totally ignorant. Dismissive. No point denying it. I had dismissed possibilities without any evidence, and without any experience. I hadn’t explored the literature and I hadn’t opened my mind enough to consider different approaches to trauma and distress.

The sudden success, money and huge changes in my life that came with my books blowing up had such a negative impact on my life, that I spent most of 2020-2023 in utter turmoil. I’m a confident person, but I am in no way extroverted. Being the centre of attention (good and bad) was merely a job to me - and it depleted me of every resource I had. I desperately wanted to go back to anonymity - I was constantly frightened and exhausted, but had to put on a brave face and continue my work, media and socials whilst I carried out my obligations.

Suddenly being thrust into some warped and very niche version of the public eye and ‘influencer’ territory was exciting at times, but mostly, it meant daily abuse, threats, harassment, stalking, bullying and rumours about my life, my sexuality, my body, my marriage, my kids, my work, my finances - everything you can think of, and probably a tonne of stuff you won’t even dream of!

People become obsessed with me - both in negative and positive ways. To some I became some sort of oracle that could solve all their problems. To others, I became the most sickening and evil person they could imagine - despite never meeting me or knowing me. I was trolled and mocked every single day until one day, I just grew numb to it all - and nothing seemed to matter anymore.

My hair fell out, I developed more and more health issues, and eventually my ovaries failed. I went into primary ovary insufficiency, and after lots of tests and scans, we eventually concluded it was due to severe stress. I guess that makes sense. Why would my body continue to ovulate if it was in constant terror?

My ovaries deciding they had packed up and fucked off forced me into an early form of menopause in 2022 which was fresh hell - and brought with it, its own health issues for me to deal with.

If none of that was enough, I was dealing with several stalkers, several police investigations, threats to my life, court hearings, stalking orders, non-molestation orders, having to leave my property several times for extended periods due to lack of safety, my phones and my laptops being hacked - and then being told I couldn’t actually speak about what was happening to me because it would jeopardise each of the investigations and orders being made.

I tried to communicate what was happening to me, but just ended up sounding vague and probably a bit weird, to be honest. It’s hard to explain what happened to me without being able to actually just tell you what happened to me and who did it all. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll just wait until I’m like 70 and then just tell everyone exactly what happened and by that point, I will no longer care or they’ll have passed away and I won’t have to worry!

By the end of 2023 I was an absolute wreck. I had no idea things could get so bad. I was still writing books (Underclass became my second Sunday Times Bestseller in spring 2024 despite me having a fucking total breakdown behind the scenes), but writing books was one of the only things that made me happy. Outside of that, I was frankly terrified of everything and everyone else - and I slowly and sadly withdrew from everywhere. My sleep was failing to rejuvenate me, I couldn’t think quickly anymore, I was tired all the time, I had panic attacks every time I gave a speech, and I was frightened for my life and my family.

It was around this time in mid-end 2023 when I found meditation. I had been practising privately at home by simply focussing on a candle flame, sitting quietly, and trying to give my mind and my body some solace and calm.

I could feel my body attacking itself through sheer cortisol alone - and desperately sought a way to calm my nervous system down. Whilst the meditation was slow progress, I did feel my mind calm down and focus when I sat alone, focussing on the slowly evolving candle flame in a dimly lit room. It was simple, but it worked. The flame danced, and quivered, and I just watched it for an hour or so.

Sometimes I would journal and free-write whilst watching the candle flame, too. Some of my best writing and my most important revelations came to me that way.

The first mini sound bath I went to was by chance. I was in Australia in Byron Bay in 2023, and happened to come across a free sound bath at midday with my wife. We sat down, didn’t know what to expect, and just waited. We got comfortable, and closed our eyes as the woman began to play the quartz bowls.

I didn’t really know how to feel or what to expect - and sat there doing what most people do in these new experiences. My mind raced. I questioned if it would ‘work’ or if I was ‘doing it right’. That was, until the sounds seemed to be creating random colours and shapes in my mind. At first, they were blurry and unclear, but I didn’t mind, I enjoyed them - sort of like a blurry kaleidoscope. But as the sounds and vibrations continued, I found myself in a dark, cold cave.

I was following a beautiful woman with long dark hair, who was walking too fast for me to keep up. She was leading me out of the dark wet cave, towards a thin crack of light at the end. I followed her as best I could, tripping over wet rocks and huge boulders in the dark. She kept up her pace, maybe 10 meters ahead of me, and the light got closer and closer. I heard the ocean.

As she got to the mouth of the cave, I could see the ocean lapping, and realised we were in a cave that opened out onto a rocky shoreline somewhere.

At the last moment, she turned back to look at me, now only a silhouette because of the light being so bright and me being still in the cave. She briefly looked towards me, turned, and walked out of the cave. She disappeared and left me stood just at the entrance of the cave, still inside, staring at the intense white light bouncing off the water.

I jolted awake. I looked around me to find the large room was packed with people meditating and asleep. The woman was still playing the bowls.

How long had I been out? 10 minutes? 3 seconds?

Who was the woman? Why was I being led out of a cave? What did that mean? Why did it all feel so peaceful and calm and purposeful? Why did I feel like I knew what it all meant at a deep level? As if I knew precisely what I had witnessed?

As you can imagine, I was absolutely mesmerised by this experience - and as someone who has always had vivid and informative dreams, I found myself wondering how the quartz bowls were able to get me into (what I then thought was) a dream state so quickly.

Fast forward many soundbaths later, and I was hooked. I couldn’t believe how peaceful and content I was during and after a good soundbath. Normal life felt flat, or like trudging through mud, compared to the clarity of thought and insight I received whilst in trance.

I am currently reading a fascinating book by Dr Ronald Havens - and he describes his first experiences of meditation and trance the same way as I do - he says in one of his books that he felt as though he was addicted to it, as if once his mind had accessed that level of consciousness, he desperately wanted it again and again. The unique and beautiful feeling of oneness, calmness, contentment and wisdom - nothing compared to it, and he needed to get back to that state as often as he could.

I decided to read literature. What was science saying about these bowls? What were they doing? What studies had been conducted on their impact?

I was expecting to find very little, but instead found decades of evidence for the ways the bowls alter brainwaves, alter our heart rate, blood pressure, cortisol, and tissues.

Ultimately, sound is just vibrations - just like everything else in the world. Everything is just atoms, vibrating at a particular pattern and frequency. The sound bowls (whether metal Tibetan, or quartz crystal) have been used for thousands of years, as have other sound instruments. The purpose of them isn’t to form a melody, like a tune or a song, but to utilise the powerful vibrations they give off when we activate them.

Just like sound waves are used in ultrasound scans, and sound waves are used to break down kidney stones and gallbladder stones - sound waves can be used to help us on a daily basis - if our bodies and minds can be physically influenced by the vibrations of the instrument (it’s not the same as listening to them in headphones).

Jaimi saw how much I adored the sound bowls, and bought me a large full set of quartz bowls to use whilst I undertook my training in sound baths.

At first, I had to fight against my own voice that was telling me that was I was doing was stupid and ‘woo woo’ - but once I had read more published literature (and engaged much more in indigenous and spiritual approaches) on the use of sound in everything from bereavement to cancer, I managed to shut that fear down.

I learned to drum too - as I found I could help people (and myself) get into a trance state by using shamanic drumming techniques.

I read more books, and I learned more history. I learned from much more experienced sound therapists and healers.

I started giving little sound baths to my friends and family whilst I was learning and undertaking my training - and this is where I really realised the power of sound.

I had learned some guided meditation inductions to help people relax and regulate their breathing before I started using the bowls and the drums - and almost every person quickly and easily relaxed into a state where they saw and heard amazing things - just like I did!

People were shown places, situations, problems, even ancestors. They were given messages, saw themselves, saw their lives, released emotions, processed dilemmas - had total epiphanies.

And what was probably even weirder for me, was that I could tell when it was happening. I started to be able to connect with them (not that I could see what they were dreaming/seeing) but I could feel their energy or their feelings. Sometimes, I would even see things whilst I was playing the bowls and the drum, that I knew were not meant for me, but were meant for the person I was delivering the session for. Oftentimes, I have been able to describe that to the person afterwards, and whilst it has made no sense to me, it has made total sense to them! Weird!

One time, I suddenly felt totally overwhelmed during a sound bath, and decided to call the person back using the drum, because I got the feeling she was experiencing something too intense. I didn’t know if I was right, but I just felt as if I should wake her up. Within seconds, she woke up and sobbed - and whilst what she saw was extremely important for her life, and she was grateful she saw what she saw, she did find it very intense - and was glad I pulled her out of it.

For some, it just made them feel totally and beautifully relaxed - and they didn’t see anything in particular. For others, they saw colours, symbols, shapes, numbers, flashing images, oceans, skies, mountains and planets.

One person described their experience as if they were suddenly overcome with emotion, and needed to let it out - and then as they did engage with that emotion they had been repressing, they saw a house they had never seen before. They saw it in great detail, and deep down, knew it meant they were going to see that house at some point in the future.

So what is going on here? And why am I continuing down this path?

Probably more so, why in the fuck am I talking so publicly about it when I’m sure many people will read this and think I’ve lost the plot!

The last several years of my life have taught me lessons I could never have learned in any other way. I have felt depths I didn’t know possible, and I exhausted my original coping mechanisms. I began to question life. Question purpose, question meaning.

What was the point in continuing to live, if all it meant was decades more suffering and pain?

I am not religious, and I don’t believe in a God. I couldn’t seek comfort in a heaven, or in a faith.

But what I eventually did find comfort and wisdom in, was the depths of my own consciousness. The power of sound. Of meditative and trance states. The transformative power of being able to ask a higher self a question, and to get an answer. To be able to get myself and others into a state where they can access something. Their own mind? A higher consciousness? The universe? An alternative we don’t yet understand? Spirit realms?

I have absolutely no idea - but what I do know, is that I have been able to replicate this process and state many times since 2023; and it has taught and nourished me and many others.

In 2024, I viewed some premises. I didn’t fully know what I wanted to do with them, but I had a strong urge to do it.

I had visions in a soundbath of using sound to help people process distress and old traumas, but without ever needing them to disclose or discuss their graphic and traumatic experiences. I hadn’t fully formulated the idea, but I saw it being effective.

I found myself questioning whether there were safer and more holistic alternatives to the ‘therapy’ and ‘pills’ dichotomy. What if we merely created the environments using sound therapies, that could help people process their emotions and memories, without actually having to disclose to anyone?

What if these altered states could be achieved healthily and safely without the use of psychedelics and drugs?

Arguably, me and many other sound therapists and shamanic healers can already induce these states in themselves and in others - so why the need for drugs and dangerous processes?

The academic world of psychology and psychiatry is bursting with literature at the moment, whilst big pharma desperately tries to licence the use of everything from cocaine to mushrooms - because they have begun research into getting people into trance states to process their trauma and emotions.

But as many of you know, I don’t support the use of any medications - and especially not where there are big corporations involved. I have been asked many times to promote psychedelics and mushrooms to my followers, and I have refused. I’ve been asked to promote drug microdosing therapies and allsorts of shite to my followers in the last few years, and I have absolutely no interest in being involved in yet another generation of drugs and profit.

But what I am interested in, is totally normal, healthy, safe ways to get our bodies and minds into a trance state, so we can see and hear the things that we need - whether you believe that message is coming from yourself, or somewhere else.

I signed the paperwork on the new premises recently, and will work slowly to build a place to host soundbaths and sound sessions - to see if there is something we can develop over the years.

A trauma-informed, anti-pathology approach to our distress that encourages us to look inside for the answers - and to learn much more about ourselves, whilst totally relaxing our nervous systems.

Similarly, I also finished the first roll out of The Amethyst Programme last week, which went brilliantly.

I built The Amethyst Programme to be 2 hour sessions twice per week, on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The programme is an interactive online educative, trauma-informed and spiritual course to learn much more about ourselves and our lives, whilst never having to disclose anything that ever happened to us.

I piloted it last month with 10 women, and even I was surprised by how well it worked.

This development in my thinking and in my own work has changed the way I look at so many approaches and systems - and so now I have so many other ideas and theories to consider, I have started to wonder if there are ways to help people process abuse and trauma without actually needing them to relive any of it, or disclose any of it, in unsafe environments.

What if I could build something totally different to our traditional approaches? Something that finally brings psychology back to its spiritual and human roots? What if we stopped the ego and the obsession with medications and mental disorders; and returned people to their minds and their bodies?

What if we taught people to respect and explore their emotions, dreams and thoughts - instead of numbing them all with meds and coping mechanisms?

Using meditation and sound healing for the past 18 months of my life has genuinely been a lifeline for me. You’ll notice there are many things I no longer engage in. Spaces I am absent from. People I no longer associate with. Ideas I no longer align with.

Almost all of this has come from deep self-reflection during meditative states, and from realising that I was charging head-first in the wrong direction, and nothing good would be developed down that road.

I needed to learn much more about myself and my own traumas in order to open my mind to a totally different lens. I now understand why my life was led to Australia and Aotearoa (NZ). These cultures are still (thankfully) heavily influenced by Aboriginal and Māori teachings, ideas, wisdom, art, explanations and approaches to everything from life and death to the universe and spirituality.

I will forever regard these two ancient and indigenous cultures, beliefs and civilisations as the ‘lightbulb’ moment for me. The people themselves, who I had the privilege to meet and listen to, changed my perspectives on countless things - and opened my eyes to the way spirituality could very easily fit within our approaches to trauma, distress and the chaos of life.

So, where to next? Who fucking knows!? One thing is for sure, I never thought I would be here, talking about anything like this - and that alone, fascinates me. Who knows where life will take us, if we just open our minds a little; and experience things we never thought we would.

Elsewhere, I am still continuing my professional work with police forces, with government and with international partners around trauma, abuse and VAWG. I am currently doing some really important work around trauma-informed and anti-pathology approaches in charities and police forces which are going brilliantly. I am still writing my books, with more to come in the future - and I have been absolutely loving offering my mentoring services around the world for the past year or so. Mentoring so many wonderful people has been so uplifting.

But the potential of sound baths?

Untapped. Unlimited. Unbelievable.

Dr Jessica Taylor is a Chartered Psychologist, Sunday Times Bestselling Author and CEO of VictimFocus.

To book 1:1 mentoring sessions with Jessica, go to www.DrJessicaTaylor.com

To enquire about training, consultancy, research, and public speaking on VAWG, trauma, abuse, and psychology, email Jessica@victimfocus.org.uk