The Amethyst Programme - Step 9: Validating myself and my experiences

Seeking external validation and acknowledgment is one of the most human things we do, especially when it comes to trauma. But what if we never get it?

Look at you go! Step nine is here, and we are ready!

You’ve already worked through so much, so make sure to flick back through your answers as you develop and evolve through the programme.

Our next step is to understand our own connection to validation. Do we feel validated? Did someone validate our feelings and experiences? Did we have to do it all ourselves? And why do we keep seeking validation from that person who doesn’t give a shit about us?

Let’s get into it.

Lots of us begin to seek validation and acknowledgment after we have been through trauma. To some extent, I think everyone has been here in one way or another.

Seeking external validation and acknowledgment is one of the most human things we do, especially when it comes to trauma.

When you’ve been hurt, silenced, or dismissed, it’s natural to want someone to see your pain, to say, “I believe you,” or “What happened to you matters.”

Validation reassures us that our experiences are real and that we are not alone. But what happens when that validation doesn’t come - when the people or systems we hoped would support us fall silent or refuse to acknowledge what we’ve endured? How do we move forward from trauma when the external world doesn’t meet us where we need it to?

And why do so many of us seek validation from somewhere outside of ourselves?

At its core, the desire for validation stems from our need for connection. Humans are social beings, and much of our understanding of ourselves and our experiences comes from the way others respond to us. When you share your story or your pain, validation affirms that what you’ve been through is real, that it matters, and that you are worthy of care and support. It’s a way of saying, “I see you, and you are not alone.”

For those of you who have been through trauma, validation can feel especially crucial because trauma often leaves you questioning your reality.

I realised recently that I spent many years of my life seeking validation from others, despite the fact that I never got it. It really messed with me, and it took me a long time to realise that the validation I sought was never coming.

Like me, if your pain was dismissed or ignored at the time - by a perpetrator, a loved one, or even society - it can leave you doubting yourself:

‘Did it really happen that way? Am I overreacting? Do I even deserve support? Does anyone even care what happened to me? Why was no one there for me?’

Getting the validation you need from others can help counteract those doubts, grounding you in the truth of your experience.