Married at First Sight: Is sexual coercion ‘part of the process’?

Dr Jess asks why MAFS experts are coercing couples to be sexually intimate…

I don’t know about you, but I can’t force sexual attraction. If I fancy someone, I fancy them. If I don’t, I don’t.

I can’t ‘learn’ to fancy them, and I can’t and won’t be persuaded to have sex with them, or be intimate with them.

I’ve never actually watched a full episode (let alone a series) of MAFS before now. My younger sister text us and told us to watch it, so we could send each other long waffly voicenotes about our observations. She told us there was a lesbian couple on there, so I was intrigued (as a married lesbian myself). The majority of couples were hetero, but I was more than happy to try it out and watch it anyway.

And… wow.

I can honestly say that watching this series so far, as a psychologist, has worried me for so many reasons that I feel like I’m at work when I’m supposed to be binge-watching some crappy reality TV. I have urges to step in and protect the people on the show… and an irritating need to look up the credentials of the ‘experts’ on the show.

(Okay, I just looked them up. One is a couples counsellor, one is a ‘relationship coach’ and one is a ‘matchmaker’… so basically, not a single certified qualification in psychology or safeguarding between them. Explains a lot.)

For those of you who don’t watch MAFS, the basic concept appears to be that you apply online as a single person, and sign up to a process where you could be matched with a stranger who you must marry the moment you meet them, and then engage in a social experiment where live with them for weeks as a married couple whilst receiving help from the experts to secure a loving, long term relationship.

According to the show, they use interviews, dating history and preferences, psychometric measures, and online psychological tests (cue them constantly throwing around the term ‘attachment type’ whenever they get the chance), to match the couples to their perfect partner.

As a chartered psychologist with a PhD, and someone who has spent 14 years working in sexual abuse and sexual violence, and teaching everyone from children to police officers about consent, abuse and sexual assault, there are two couples who worry me greatly.

(There are several more to be honest, but let’s stick to one issue at a time, because frankly, there are so many safeguarding failures in this series I could write a fucking book - and the stuff coming out about the known domestic abuse perp being matched with the single mum of two kids who has been through abuse before, is extremely dangerous and ethically appalling.)

The couples I am concerned about in relation to sexual coercion from the experts, are Emma and Caspar, and Adam and Polly.

Now, to be clear here, I don’t think any of the people in the cast are at fault in this instance - I am squarely aiming my concerns at show producers and the… ‘experts’.

Adam and Polly

Adam and Polly were matched together by the experts, and whilst Polly is highly sexually attracted to Adam, Adam is not remotely sexually attracted to Polly. He has been honest, as much as this was very hard for Polly to hear, and made this clear repeatedly to the experts, but he has been framed as selfish and immature for not wanting sex with Polly.

Plot twist though: Adam and Polly did have sex on the first night, but there is clearly a lot of regret there, and ever since, Adam has been clear that he doesn’t want any further intimacy or sex with Polly. He has stated that he likes her as a person, and generally enjoys her company, but that she is not for him, and he can’t see himself ever finding her sexually attractive.

Now, regardless of his reasons for why he doesn’t find her sexually attractive (and whether we like them or not), surely we must respect his bodily autonomy and his decision not to want sex or intimacy with a stranger. He’s allowed to change his mind, he’s allowed to clearly state he does not want to be touched or to have sex with someone he is not interested in. This doesn’t make him a bad person.

What concerns me here, is the way the experts on the show have publicly shamed him repeatedly for not wanting sexual contact with Polly, and even told him that he needs to grow up. He is positioned as petty and problematic because he doesn’t want intimacy with someone he’s known for less than a week.

When he raised this, the experts shot him down and asked him why he doesn’t want more sexual contact with Polly when they had sex the first night. I found this really uncomfortable, as there could be many reasons why he no longer wants intimate contact with Polly. Ultimately, this is his choice for his body, and I question why this is being pushed by the experts.

None of this is ethical or safe practice. Adam is allowed to say he isn’t sexually attracted to someone. He is allowed to like Polly but not want sex with her. Adam is allowed to totally withdraw his consent and desire for sex after having sex with her. He is also allowed to want sex one day, and then never want it again.

Consent is totally personal and fluid. Consent is not ongoing and is not permanent. Just because he consented once does not mean he has to ever consent again.

Realistically, he might have regretted it. They may have been quite drunk. He might have felt pressured or obliged. Or he might have just realised it was a huge mistake.

It doesn’t really matter his reasons - if he isn’t sexually attracted to her, I find it extremely worrying that the experts have spent the last several episodes putting considerable pressure on him to fancy her, touch her, kiss her, massage her and become sexually involved with her. Further than this, they deliberately set up a task for them about increasing their sexual contact and intimacy, in which he looked wooden, withdrawn and embarrassed throughout.

This dynamic, in which his lack of sexual interest in a complete stranger, is being framed as misogyny, problematic behaviour, and body shaming, is creeping me out. I am not comfortable watching three ‘experts’ publicly pressure someone into sex and intimacy they do not want.

The impact on him will be huge if he ends up having sex with her from peer pressure, and the impact on her will also be terrible - as she is eventually going to realise that he was forced into it and never actually wanted sex with her freely. The whole thing is toxic.

Emma and Caspar

If the first couple’s dynamics are not worrying enough, the experts continue their weird obsession with trying to force sexual contact between people with Emma and Caspar.

Emma and Caspar are apparently ‘perfect matches’ for each other… according to the experts who have conveniently ignored that Emma is the absolute spitting image of his twin sister, whom he loathes.

In the first episode, Caspar locks eyes on his bride and instantly panics. She is the physical and psychological double of his twin sister, who is sat right near him. They have the same laugh. The same mannerisms. The same face, teeth, eyes, face, height, accent. Literally everything.

The producers and editors are clearly aware of this, because they have edited the footage together to constantly switch the angle so the audience can see how similar the two women are, and how much Caspar is crawling up his own arse.

They’ve also clearly done this deliberately, as they included a clip of him being interviewed in which he states that he has a terrible relationship with his twin sister and he really dislikes her. The hatred is palpable. There is clearly an air of favouritism and hostile competition between them.

So whilst Emma seems absolutely lovely, Caspar doesn’t particularly want sex - or anything - with a woman who is the double of his twin sister. He doesn’t find her attractive at all and usually goes for women who look nothing like her (or his sister).

Understandable, right?

Wrong. The experts have also claimed this is due to him body shaming Emma, and even told him that his real issue is that he has body image issues about his own weight - and that’s why he isn’t attracted to Emma (totally ignoring the fact that he has tried several times to tell them that she’s the double of his sister).

What I find interesting about this, is how the production company have edited the episodes to hinge all of this on one comment he made about her being curvy and him not really being attracted to that body type. Now, as a curvy woman myself, I totally get how that would come across as offensive - but I just don’t believe him. I think his first reaction was his real one, which was ‘Oh my fucking god, she looks exactly like my twin sister!’

It strikes me that he has a very difficult and toxic relationship with his sister that the ‘experts’ are totally ignoring.

Again, the experts have spent several episodes pushing and prodding him to be sexually intimate with Emma, resulting in him getting angry and upset with the experts during a review. He told them he was not remotely attracted to her, and he couldn’t see how this could ever work. He questioned their matching capabilities and predictably, that got their backs right up - and he was told he was wrong, and he had to keep trying to be sexually attracted to her.

Rather than him being validated at all, he was told off, talked down to, and then given a task to do with Emma, which was supposed to increase their sexual attraction to each other.

What? SHE LOOKS LIKE HIS TWIN SISTER.

This isn’t personal - it’s normal. Wouldn’t it be weirder if he did fancy the pants off his twin sister’s doppelgänger??

What do these experts want from him? Why are they so hellbent on pushing him to have sex with her?

And WHY are they letting Emma believe (and cry to the camera) that this is about her body and her weight, when he has spoken several times about how much she looks like his sister.

And I mean. It’s fucking uncanny.

(His twin sister is in the red, Emma is in white).

What are the messages MAFS are sending about sexual coercion and consent?

Well, I think it’s horrifyingly clear.

The experts are essentially advising that people totally ignore their instincts and sexual attraction, and have sex with someone even though they don’t want to.

The crux of this matter is simple: they are encouraging sex between people where there is no consent. The experts are listening to these men say that they do not want intimacy or sex with their respective brides, and they are being shamed into having sex with them, touching them, kissing them and massaging them - whilst those men grimace and cringe and say they don’t want to.

Not only could this severely psychologically impact the men who don’t want sex or intimacy with their partners, but the women themselves are being used and exploited by the experts here for TV.

Why would they encourage men who are not attracted to the women, to force themselves to have sex with them? Is that safe? Is that ethical? Is that fair on these women? Is that even legal?

Why would anyone want this for these women? Doesn’t this put them at risk of violence and abuse? Don’t they deserve sex with men who actually want them?

Wouldn’t it be safer to accept that the spark is not there, the match hasn’t worked, and discuss that reality?

What is all of this teaching the young audience who watch MAFS? What should they take from this?

That supposed relationship experts believe that you should force yourself to have sex with people you don’t fancy, otherwise you’re a bad person?

That the experts claim that if you don’t fancy someone, you have issues?

So to be absolutely clear:

Consent is freely given, and you must not feel pressured, coerced, guilt-tripped, persuaded or manipulated into sex. If you do, this isn’t consenting sex.

Consent is one-off. Just because you consent one time doesn’t mean you are obliged to ever consent again. Your consent is not ongoing at all, and you can’t give blanket consent. Even if you have had sex with someone 200 times, if you don’t want to have sex with them for a while, or ever again, that’s absolutely your choice to make. You do not owe anyone access to your body.

Consent is informed. You must feel totally informed in order to consent. If the person is lying to you, that is not informed consent.

Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even if you are in the middle of sex, if you decide you need to stop and you don’t want anything more, the other person must stop.

I repeat. You do not owe anyone sex, or your sexual attraction.

You can choose whoever you want sex with. Your reasons are your own. If you don’t like them, that’s up to you. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are, sex is personal and individual. If you don’t fancy them because you hate their accent, they have bad breath, they are too short, they have big ears, they have a cringey tattoo, they walk funny, they are too big, too small, or god forbid, they look exactly like your sister - that’s totally up to you.

You never have to fancy or sleep with anyone you don’t want to - you’re not their employer, you don’t have to follow Equal Opportunities Legislation!

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