Parenting with an abuser? Read this.

Dr Jess talks about her experiences of motherhood, parenting with abusers and gives her advice to other mums

I was 17 when I had my first baby, and 19 when I had my second baby.

They are both healthy, happy, huge teenage lads now, who I physically look up to every day. I am incredibly proud of who they are, and they are doing brilliantly.

(A picture of my babies back when they were tiny)

But as a teenage mum to two babies under 3 years old, I had my work cut out for me. If that wasn’t hard enough, I was parenting through trauma, domestic abuse and serious harm, and so I want to focus this article on providing some insights and advice to other women who are trying to raise their children within abusive relationships, families, or with abusive exes.

Unfortunately, lots of us will end up having children with abusive, violent and dangerous men.

Domestic abuse and sexual abuse are common in our communities and our families, and there is no point beating around the bush. Sure, many of us will hide it, and even deny it to ourselves - until the day comes where it is staring us in the face and we realise we are tied to these men for the next 18-30 years (depending on how many children you had with him, and the age gaps).

For some of us, that moment comes when you realise your child is beginning to mirror the abusive behaviours of their father. It’s an uncomfortable reality, but lots of children will be influenced by their father - whether he’s a loving great guy, a manipulative liar, or a violent misogynist.

For some of us, it’s those incidents of extreme risk or actual violence where we suddenly realise that this man is never going away. Maybe he’s beaten us up. Raped us. Threatened to kill us. Threatened to kill himself, or the kids. Maybe he’s smashed the house up in a rage. Maybe he’s thrown dinner at you. Maybe he’s abused the kids.

For some of us, our life-changing realisation only comes when our own children disclose something, and we are forced to immediately take action. Dad made them do this. Dad made them do that. Dad hit them when you weren’t around. Dad manipulated them. Dad lied to them. Dad threatened them whilst you were at work. Dad raped or sexually abused them. Dad bullied and belittled them.

There often does come this dawning, terrifying moment where you realise you can’t escape the father of your children because of the fucked up ways our legal system works - and you will be forced to parent your children with someone who is not only abusive to you, but will ultimately be abusive or harmful to his own kids.

I write from lots of personal experience, and just like many other topics I write on, I know why you all relate to me and why you listen to me. It’s because when I write, you know I know what I’m talking about - not just because I am a psychologist who specialises in trauma and violence against women - but because I’ve been exactly where you are.

When I wrote about my experiences of motherhood in my new book, ‘Underclass’ - I spent a few days in deep reflection about my feelings and my journey from finding out I was pregnant at 17, through to being a mum of an almost-16 year old today. The years had just flown by. I write in the memoir about how fucking diabolical my pregnancies were, and the moment of my own realisation that I was trapped in abuse with a baby to protect. I write about escaping abuse with a baby on my hip. I write about the day I was brutally attacked whilst trying to protect my baby.

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Okay, let’s get back to what I was saying…

A lot has happened since that moment - and so this article is just some of my insights and tips for any women raising children through abuse, having escaped abuse, where you have been abused in front of your children, or where you are forced to co-parent with an abusive man.

Are we ready? Let’s get into it.

(Note: this article has ended up WAY longer than I expected…)

(Another note: On reflection, there’s some serious real talk in this article, so brace yourself and be prepared to seek help if you need it after reading this)

Your children are his greatest weapon

It is highly likely those children are going to become his ammo. He knows what they mean to you. He knows they can be weaponised. There are many different ways they can be used - whether it is to guilt trip you, control you, keep tabs on you, stop you moving house, stop you taking them on holiday, choosing the best schools or seeing your family members.

Often, children (being children) don’t see that they are being used in this way, and will be easily manipulated and pulled into the games and narratives of the abuser.

This will utterly frustrate and exhaust you - but you MUST remember that your children are victims of this too, and it is not their fault. At times, they will probably go along with stuff or even actively support it. They will not realise they are pawns in a larger game, and one day, it will likely hurt them very much to understand that.

Whatever you do, do not throw this in their faces. It doesn’t matter how angry you are, never ever use the reality as a weapon yourself.

If you and the children are being abused or exposed to abuse - you must become strongly anti-abuse - and you must be consistent

You have no choice. If you want these kids to have a hope in hell at being healthy, normal people - you must role model anti-violence, anti-abuse and anti-aggression. You have to become the calm in the storm. You must demonstrate that there are alternative ways of conducting ourselves that are not like the abuser. He is role modelling violence to them, so you have to be the opposite.

This means never screaming at them. Never swearing at them. Never pushing, shoving, grabbing or hitting them. Never throwing things at them or near them. Never losing your temper and calling them names. Never telling them to move out. Never telling them, ‘Oh go live with your Dad then!’

They MUST have childhood memories of at least one of you being non-violent and anti-abuse - otherwise they will never know how to be any different.

I know most of you will recoil at the thought of physically abusing your own kids, but I know from many cases and families around me that verbal abuse and emotional abuse is rife. I have seen women behave like this, and I’ve also seen women become emotionally and verbally abusive to their kids when they are burned out and frustrated by their abusive exes being adored.

Do not ever do this. You are in full control of yourself - just like your abusive ex/partner is. You cannot justify your own abusive or manipulative behaviour towards your kids whilst condemning his.

Pull your socks up, and promise yourself and your children that you will never, ever become abusive towards them in any way, shape or form.

I speak from many years experience of this, and I vowed to myself 16 years ago that I would never ever mirror or slip into abusive behaviours. I know my kids can grow up to become adults and say that I never so much as yelled at them. I am firm, I am fair, I am clear - but I can honestly say that I’ve never intimidated them, called them a name, hurt them, harmed them, or anything else.

You don’t realise how powerful that is until it’s taken away. Can you, hand on heart, say the same? That you have never been abusive to your children?

If you can, keep it that way.

If you can’t, change NOW. It will change the course of your life, and the course of your kids lives. If you have apologies to hand out, do it - and then never do those things again. Kids need to know that even adults must apologise to them.

However, if you reflect and know that you have also been physically or psychologically abusive to your kids - you MUST seek help urgently. Your kids deserve a safe childhood.

You are probably going to be vilified at some point

Parenting with an abuser means that you are probably going to be painted as the villain at some point. Your kids are likely to get sucked into this at some level, too. Whether it’s, ‘mummy is so boring, she’s never got time for you, she’s always cooking and cleaning and working - daddy is much more fun, isn’t he?’ or something much more sinister, ‘your mum doesn’t love you like I do, she doesn’t care about you really, that’s why she’s getting remarried, she’s going to have a new family and leave you behind!’

Abusers gonna abuse.

They are going to make sure they are framed as the ultimate parent, or the ultimate victim - and you are probably going to end up looking like some evil witch.

In my experience, this won’t last - although it could last years - so bear with me on this one. Abusers are only good at what they do for so long before the mask slips - that’s how you figured out they were abusive. This will happen with your kids too. Even if they all think he’s gods gift at the moment, he will 100% shoot himself in the foot at some point. They all do. You may need to wait it out.

However, the only way to ‘wait it out’ is to be consistent, safe, non-abusive, committed and loving. It means not being drawn into petty competitions with him, and just being a great mother. Eventually, they won’t be children anymore and they will start to analyse you both. Trust me, they’ll see where the safety and the consistency was.

Your children may romanticise their absent or abusive father

This one is hard, but it does happen and you should be prepared for it. It’s completely normal as a trauma response or adaptive coping mechanism, so you sort of have to step back and see this one for what it is.

Obviously, if your ex is actively dangerous (sex offender, physically abusive, drug addict, rapist, child abuser), then you are probably going to have to gently break this one down with your child and be honest about their father. But if he’s not really any of those things, but he is emotionally abusive or manipulative, or he used to be very abusive to you but hasn’t really shown it yet to the kids, you may have to ride this one out.

Even when parents are abusive, kids still love them. Even when parents have abused, raped and beaten their kids and have been put in prison, kids STILL love them.

Find patience, compassion and understanding for your child in this situation. Don’t punish them or humiliate them. Don’t throw things in their face. If you do need to tell them the truth, do it carefully and safely at all times. Do not do it out of spite, no matter how angry you are.

Remember that their trauma isn’t your trauma. Their life isn’t your life. They love and look up to their abusive parent, even if you don’t think they should. Have compassion for them, it’s really really hard to realise that your parent is an arsehole.

Your children will probably look, move and act like your abuser (or their own abuser)

I have lots of women write to me about this one. It’s not at all easy to deal with this, but it’s common. Your kids are going to look biologically like your abuser - or like their own abuser. For some mums and children, this is a huge issue. It can cause self-loathing, guilt, fear, worry, triggers, disgust, emotional disconnect, neglect, self-harming, even hatred.

However, more often than not, they grow into their own person and even though they may look like the abusive man, they are not the same as him, and ultimately, they are not him.

There is a lot of shame around admitting that you become triggered by your own children, especially if they sound, act or look like the abuser - but the best thing you can do is to seek private help for this. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling or thinking, but it’s not something to process with your child - their appearance and their genetics are not their fault and nothing to do with them.

My advice? Don’t mention it to them. Don’t say things like, ‘You act exactly like your dad!’ Or ‘You look just like him when you pull that face!’ Or ‘I don’t like your hair like that, you look like your dad’.

Don’t do it. Don’t give them issues around their appearance and their identity. Keep that away from them, and deal with it in your own safe spaces. That’s grown shit - and will do a great deal of harm if you project it on to the kids. They didn’t choose they way they look.

Trauma will show up in unexpected and very expected ways

Be prepared for this, because if you have an abuser in your life who is parenting your children with you - your kids are going to show some signs of trauma sooner or later.

Try to remember that trauma will show up in lots of different ways, from them not looking after their hygiene or hating their bodies through to becoming withdrawn, self-harming, and becoming scared and anxious. Further, watch out for when your kids suddenly become hyper-vigilant, hyper focused, perfectionists, or start to see their self-worth only through awards and achievements.

Bottom line? Pay attention to your kids. They will not come out of abuse unscathed, and you need to teach them to recognise their emotions and thoughts, otherwise it is likely they will eventually be swept along a belief that they have a mental health issue or some psychiatric disorder that is trending on tiktok.

You will wish their lives away at some points

This one is hard to understand unless you live it, but you will find yourself saying or thinking about contact with your abuser, ‘I can’t wait til they are all 18 and I never have to talk to that bastard again’.

No shame: we’ve all been there.

The problem is of course, lots of us then feel guilty that we are wishing the years would hurry up so the abuser has no legitimate reason to contact you, speak to you or control you. You may even be waiting for the kids to be a certain age so you can try to leave. This is common, and can feel pretty heavy.

Learn to play the game

If you’re stuck co-parenting with an abuser for decades of your life, you are going to need to learn to play the game - otherwise my friend, you are going to lose.

Here are some tips of the game:

• Do not rise to his provocation

• He wants you to lose your temper

• He wants you to talk shit about him to the kids so he can accuse you of abuse or parental alienation

• He wants to know you are being hurt

• Do not get sucked into some toxic oneupmanship about who is the best parent and who buys the best shit

• Remain calm and neutral with him if you can, keep him at arms length, but don’t let on what you are doing

• Pick your damn battles, there are certain things you should let slide if it means you remaining in control

• Communicate where you can in writing (texts are good), and keep everything

• Do not go to court unless you are dragged there kicking and screaming - it’s not a safe system, don’t voluntarily end up in there

• Learn to talk in generalisations and third parties to your kids when you need to address certain abusive behaviours but need to be careful about it ‘sometimes people do this…’

Tell the truth, be age appropriate, and ignore the guidance

If you find yourself in a situation where your child is clearly figuring out their abusive father and they start asking you questions or talking to you about it - IGNORE ALL GUIDANCE TO ‘NOT BAD MOUTH THE OTHER PARENT’

I know this is radical, but hear me out, here.

If your child is disclosing or discussing abuse with you, you cannot remain neutral. They have to know you believe them and that you are safe. You cannot sit there thinking, ‘well I can’t bad mouth him because xyz’.

Fine then.

Don’t ‘bad mouth’ him, but tell the truth, at least. If your child is telling you that their dad abuses them or threatens them, you must condemn it, you must side with your child, you must explain that that behaviour is abusive and toxic and you will not tolerate it. You need to support them and thank them for telling you the truth.

The reason you can’t remain neutral and ‘not bad mouth the dad’ is that you cannot instil in the child that people are allowed to abuse them, and you’ll just stay neutral and on the fence. It’s not ‘bad mouthing’ to talk openly and honestly about abuse, so don’t bury it. Don’t hide it. Be the person you needed when YOU disclosed abuse.

Did you need neutrality? Nope. Neither do they.

Become the safe place, and be consistent

I think I’ve possibly laboured this one enough - but I just cannot overstate this. In a world where your kids have an abusive father, do not let them down. Their only hope is now you. Seek support. Gather your strength. Those kids need a healthy role model, and you’re it, sister.

You pick up this role, and you walk with it. We brought these children into the world - whether it was our choice to become pregnant or not, and we need to do our very best to become a safe space for them. Our consistency will be key.

Your kids may need firm, fair boundaries from you if the abuser gives them none

That’s right. You’re gonna have to be the unfun parent again. The one with the rules and the boundaries. The one who tells them they are too young for Snapchat and Call of Duty. The one that gives them a bedtime, takes their phones off them at night and makes them eat healthily.

You may well need to be the person who challenges their behaviour, or their language, the way they treat their siblings - or even the way they treat you. When you are parenting with an abuser, you will likely find that you are in a constant battle against their terrible parenting - and their deliberate framing of you as the bad cop - or the boring one. They are likely to let the kids do what they want as a way to stick it up to you - and so you may find you are consistently trying to pull your kids back on the straight and narrow.

Talk about abuse, power, and manipulation with your children as they grow

Even if it’s not safe to speak directly about the abuser to the kids (in case you’re accused of parental alienation), you can absolutely teach your children about abuse, power dynamics, gaslighting, manipulation, blackmailing, emotional literacy, and grooming tactics.

You can do this in many safe ways that don’t reference the abuser, including discussing TV shows, celebrities, music videos or lyrics, stuff going on between kids at schools, news headlines and news stories.

Sometimes, you have to let your children figure it out for themselves

Oooof. This is a hard one.

You can only do so much though, and if your children are older, and have decided the sun shines out of the abuser’s arse - then there will be very little influence you can have. There is a strong possibility that you will have to wait for them to figure him out all by themselves - and it will be painful as fuck. They might be 15. They might be 35. That’s hard - but you cannot spend your years trying to make them see abuse they cannot or will not see yet.

Try to put yourself in their shoes. Did you want to see an abuser for what they were? Did you deny it and minimise it? Did you feel confused and conflicted? All of these things apply to your kids, too.

If you can, escape - if you can’t, build a strong and safe relationship with your kids

Obviously, everyone will tell you to leave. And if you can leave, brilliant, get you and the kids the fuck out of there. But, and this is a very common but, lots of women cannot leave; and even if they leave, the post-separation abuse continues for decades.

In those situations, you never truly get to ‘leave the abuser’, and so what you may need to focus on is ensuring you have a healthy, strong and safe relationship with the kids instead. This will hopefully mean that they know which one of you is the safe and consistent parent.

Do everything you can to protect your children - and show them that you will not tolerate abuse (even if you are technically trapped).

Do not excuse your children’s behaviour if they turn into bullies or abusers themselves

Women write to me a lot about this one, as much as most women wouldn’t be horrified to admit it. Children who are role modelled bullying and abuse will sometimes become bullies and abusive. Sometimes they don’t, of course - but sometimes THEY DO.

Do not hide from this reality. If they are beginning to mirror abusive, violent, aggressive, coercive and manipulative behaviours from the abuser, you must take action as fast as you can and seek support from school, professionals and safe family members.

The first time they square up to you, threaten to hit you, harm you, kill you, or anything else - tell someone. Do not suffer in shame or silence. If they have an abusive parent and they are beginning to mirror and target you, do not underestimate this risk. They might be children but they can still harm you. Plenty of mums are abused by their children and teenagers.

Further though, you may find out from school that they abuse, control and bully other children. They might assault another child, or even sexually assault them. If this happens, take action immediately. Research shows that harmful behaviours like these can usually be successfully dealt with if they are addressed before the age of 13 years old. What we know is that teenagers over that age who engage in abuse and violence are more likely to go on to do it again, and into adulthood.

Do not ignore this. It’s not going to go away.

You have a small window in some cases, so act fast and seek professional support. Tell the professionals that you think they might be mirroring the abuser, too.

Tell someone the reality of your situation - don’t sugarcoat it and hide it for the socials

Raising children with an abuser is one of the hardest things you will ever do - if not, the hardest. Do not attempt to do this alone and hide it all for the gram. You need to tell someone you can trust what your life is really like, so you have a safe person and a safe space to talk about the challenges and difficulties of parenting and life.

I know the pressure to make your life look wonderful. The Facebook posts about how amazing your partner is. What a good dad he is. How much you love your kids yada yada.

But don’t fall into the trap of presenting a completely different reality to everyone around you whilst you are struggling to cope with extremely complicated parenting with an abusive partner or ex-partner. You are going to need someone to talk to.

Take a deep breath, drop the shame and the fear - and find someone to talk to. Don’t suffer this in silence.

If you have no one around you who you trust, speak to a domestic abuse support service or call an anonymous helpline.

Final thoughts

I cannot believe how long this ended up. I have not realised how much I want to say about parenting and motherhood. Especially as I’ve had such a complicated experience of it, myself.

I think I’m becoming more reflective about it as my kids age, especially as I’ve got one of them about to do GCSEs. It’s surreal to think that at the beginning of that journey, I was a child myself, with a baby to take care of. I didn’t have a penny to my name. I had no support, no safety and I had no future. It was me and my baby, us against the world.

To be a mum now of a young guy with a job, with ambition, with ideas and opinions and thoughts. A mum of two teen lads who tower over me, when I used to be able to lift them with one arm… it feels so unreal at times.

I have had to be extremely principled in my parenting, despite everything that was thrown at me - and ultimately - it paid off. I had to be consistent, safe, reliable and patient. I had to push through even when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to find bravery inside me that I didn’t know I had. I had to support my kids in moments that I couldn’t even support myself.

I talk about all of this in my new book, ‘Underclass’. If you have found this article interesting today, please do order a copy of my new book.

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