As a psychologist who is also a victim, my experience is that a minority of people will believe you. Most people prefer to protect the abuser and betray you a second time.
Numbers 2, 3 and 7 resonate with me the most. I fell into the trap of a charismatic and dangerous man. And people said alot of things like that to me. Blaming me for getting involved. Blaming me for my own "daddy issues" that drove me into the relationship. To be fair, I own my issues, and I definitely had issues that caused me to gravitate toward someone like this. However, these kinds of responses only heaped more guilt and shame upon me, which actually kept me going back to the relationship. No one calls the man out for pouncing on the woman.
I remember how hard it was when people told me to "go away and work on your own stuff, don't focus on him," it was just like another way of placing the blame on me, instead of acknowledging that this person was dangerous, too.
Thanks for highlighting these comments. It seems like the playbook many men use. The one where they manipulate all women by publicly shaming, blaming, lying, slandering one who is a victim of violent criminal activity, by a violent criminal. Keep all the women feeling low about themselves and scared, so the men might have some chance. Well all men, this is the most repellent behaviour. If you ever want to be with women in a healthy relationship or family, and you have these attitudes and beliefs, it will not happen. Make no mistake, it's not the women ruining your chances or trying to trap you! It's not the women you need to be worrying about.
What's alarming is that some of these comments, and many more, were made by other women, who try to distance themselves from the issue of growing epidemy of VAWAG.
They don't want to accept the facts and by victim blaming, they try to portray themselves as wiser and more careful, as if they weren't at risk of becoming coerced and abused.
'If you were more careful, if wouldn't happen to you!' - they scream and attack the victim, because they want to believe, their confidence and intelect protect them somehow.
They tightly holding on to this misconception, as they see it as the only way, to escape the problem and not have to think about it.
They don't understand, that they have been coerced already.
Violent men must never ever be named and held to account for their male choice to inflict male violence on women! This is why innumerable men and sadly many women immediately dismiss a woman's evidence that x male inflicted male violence on her because this would mean holding the violent male to account!
I'm still waiting for men to hysterically declare 'well that male victim who claimed another male attacked him is responsible for his own attack because he didn't take measures to ensure his safety!' Or - 'what possessed that man to walk out in public at 2.00 am in the morning!!! Why wasn't he at home rather than out in public and inviting (sic) a male/males to attack him!'
Have you seen what they do when men do come forward with reports like this? They mock and belittle him. That's what happened with Terry Crews. https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-44625597
Yes but it was just one male and commonly malestream media always portrays women as somehow wholly/partially responsible for not preventing any male from inflicting male violence on them! I repeat I've yet to read or hear of any male being told he was responsible for causing another male/males to inflict male violence on him! Do we ever hear of men being told 'don't go out at night; always dress conservatively; do not drink too much alcohol because this incites other males to attack the drunken male/males!'
I have done that, I received concussion at school for being racist, that was after he and his friend goaded me into that. More importantly, there is a difference between males and females, I believe that because of how the two sexes add up through life, females not wrongly would like to understand that they should be treated in a certain way, males can believe that they-should-be a certain way, if you know my wording, when things go wrong, that's why females can go through different degrees of personal devastation, whereas males find it hard to admit things.
Sorry I have been late to reply.Men feel they need to meet requirements based around support; females are thought to be loving mothers. That's my background, it's not my achievement.
I agree that these are societal expectations placed on men and women. However, I don't think it has anything to do with who they are just what society tells us they should be.
My favorite is getting blamed for talking to someone outside my race. I deserved what I got. It confused me at 22 and it still confuses me ,that at 53 ,it’s getting worse, not better. Anything to do with sex especially non-consensual makes people lose their reasoning skills & they assume it could never happen to them. We should be Thanking her coming forward and speaking out, not victimizing her more. We have to do better supporting others especially when we understand the cycles of abuse.
I myself have survived domestic violence coupled with severe psychological and emotional abuse. In my case the so called "professionals" I turned to for help, only abused and traumatized me further, perjuring themselves in court repeatedly to have me sectioned or "involuntarily committed" as they call it Stateside, benefits trafficking and continuing to "study" & "observe" my reactions to worsening trauma and abuse, as well as repeated attempts at unnecessary forced drugging with known neurotoxins over and above my objections, definitely against my will. Even my some of my so called friends were complicit in the victim blaming, which further breaks my heart. They even colluded to have me forced ECT while I was unconscious, technically dead from my heart problems. At present I'm finally away from him and the toxic "professionals" who also stole my identity, got loans & credit cards in my name, amongst other criminal activities, but I'm also homeless and lost all my Worldly possessions, including my beloved cats' ashes and photos, I have no family and friends to turn to, and as an autistic woman with CPTSD from my family of origin as well as Lupus & heart problems & only the SSDI payments I get at present, it's certainly not easy. But I'm speaking up about all the abuses and toxic behaviors I've endured and survived. My goal is to help others who have too been abused and exploited and survived to heal.
To not acknowledge the toxic behaviors of others, the complexities of life and humanity across the board and taking more of an approach of understanding and empathy and looking at the big picture, is what's required and how the much needed changes will happen. Those who have intentionally done harm need to be held to account and those who have been harmed need to be supported in healing so all involved can make whatever changes necessary to have happier, healthier and more peaceful lives, for the good of the individuals involved as well as society itself.
Always appreciate your insightful, well written posts and timely choice of topics, Dr. Taylor. Many thanks for your writing and the opportunity to comment and provide a community that so many women need and appreciate. God Bless you and everyone reading and may more empathetic, healing and peaceful days be ahead for all of us ❤️♾️
Thank you Jess for pulling me up. I, like many others, thought WTF are you getting involved with a known violent asshole? I didn't even think about the potential gaslighting he did. You won't see this, but sorry Bri.
Funnily enough I wrote something similar about tactics used to silence women before this news broke and it’s interesting to see them all in play in this latest instance. You’re right to point them out because they have nothing to do with justice and everything to do with reinforcing a system of male supremacy.
I think that men, and women, who want to become 'powerful' or 'rich' must fight that part of themselves that represents equality and decency. In order to support their sense of entitlement they must belittle all those that threaten to oppose them and believe them to be inferior and sub-human.
This is not a new trend, it is a psychological necessity for those who grasp money/power. Our most 'powerful' leaders are also our most devious and inhumane leaders. They, and their followers, trance-walk into a life of truth-denial, self-justification, and lost humanity.
You can agree, you can say that you should only talk about any victim if and or when you know that person to the degree of intimacy required to know that you do not create further abuse. I think quite a lot about differences between America and Britain; Americans have freedom of speech and a psychological form based in coming from settlers in that country; you can read a book like Jane Sexes it Up and read that they can expect a level of confidence and understanding of relevent facts that we don't. I thought Andrew Tate was attached to politics in this country because of the sound of his name, then the facts gradually creep up on you, and that he is a misogynist with criminality added. I've just spoken to someone about my personal experiences with people I thought of as friends in relation to facts about insecurity, and what you should ascertain with someone is that they are not involved in criminality, because there is a spectrum of a personality where the lack of ability for a person to describe themself gets added to a belief that they can't get what they want from life unless they use force and take, because if something goes wrong in the relationship it can place you in a very bad, endangered position; I was involved with an apparent well-to-do family involved with teaching, the father took part in a volume of tax evasion because he moonlighted doing discos to pay for his annual skiing holiday; one day he gave me a menacing glance and said that if anyone informed on him that he would drag everybody he could down with him, you can have your own little bits and pieces involving more than friendship, shortfall(reported) in N.I. stamp payments, and the important things that you should notice to preserve your own safety go almost completely unnoticed, until things change, then details you thought they believe in change, because that's how these things go, then your lifes in danger. They speak differently in America though; Dr.Taylor interprets what has been written differently to me and others, unless you know the sources of information as she does, unless you know the connections as she does, otherwise the examples separate into varying contexts. I have my own gentle ideas about how to be with a female, with insecurity, others don't, they can think that the differences between male and female mean that they must need what they consist of, and because of the nature of assertiveness and masculinity that they choose, it doesn't necessarily add up to what is obvious compatability to others. In Jane Sexes it Up, it portrays a volume of feminism and lesbianism which is quite aggressive and reads like it is a womans movement trying to create greater equality for women; but reading one chapter was quite odd, there was a club for lesbians where males made approaches on females, but at one point, because of the use of strap on phalluses, I became a little disorientated, which may be obvious to Dr.Taylor, she may know this was all about lesbianism, there is no movement like this to create equality for women in America- it's just me who reads it as suggesting that women are making moves to bring the sexes closer together, as opposed to seeing things as they see them, which is incompatability between the sexes, which is an overall view of the book, which is that some women look for something better; I have grown with being told that women have a better time in sex than men, in the book it reads like it is surprisingly similar-seemed unbelievable.
Imagine being 5 yeas old, getting taken from your kindergarten classroom on a regular basis, delivered to pedophiles, and then returned to class. Then imagine that nobody on the school board, city council, or in law enforcement does a single thing to help. Imagine the completely ignore it. Imagine they cover it up.
I agree completely, people are different, I've had it myself, you can inform medical staff directly, and they don't necessarily believe you, you can tell them one thing, they can tell you something from their education, which isn't the same, you can tell them your lifes in danger, if it's too difficult for them, they just fob you off, that description is too dismissive of their professional and personal factors. It's a very unfortunate fact, but people who know other people personally enough to speak to someone in a traumatised condition, and there are problems with you doing that, because you don't know the traumatised person that well.
As a psychologist who is also a victim, my experience is that a minority of people will believe you. Most people prefer to protect the abuser and betray you a second time.
Numbers 2, 3 and 7 resonate with me the most. I fell into the trap of a charismatic and dangerous man. And people said alot of things like that to me. Blaming me for getting involved. Blaming me for my own "daddy issues" that drove me into the relationship. To be fair, I own my issues, and I definitely had issues that caused me to gravitate toward someone like this. However, these kinds of responses only heaped more guilt and shame upon me, which actually kept me going back to the relationship. No one calls the man out for pouncing on the woman.
I remember how hard it was when people told me to "go away and work on your own stuff, don't focus on him," it was just like another way of placing the blame on me, instead of acknowledging that this person was dangerous, too.
Yeah, I know. No one ever holds them accountable.
Love how you challenge each statement Jess. Keep doing this. It must have taken immense courage for Bri to say what she has.
Thanks for highlighting these comments. It seems like the playbook many men use. The one where they manipulate all women by publicly shaming, blaming, lying, slandering one who is a victim of violent criminal activity, by a violent criminal. Keep all the women feeling low about themselves and scared, so the men might have some chance. Well all men, this is the most repellent behaviour. If you ever want to be with women in a healthy relationship or family, and you have these attitudes and beliefs, it will not happen. Make no mistake, it's not the women ruining your chances or trying to trap you! It's not the women you need to be worrying about.
What's alarming is that some of these comments, and many more, were made by other women, who try to distance themselves from the issue of growing epidemy of VAWAG.
They don't want to accept the facts and by victim blaming, they try to portray themselves as wiser and more careful, as if they weren't at risk of becoming coerced and abused.
'If you were more careful, if wouldn't happen to you!' - they scream and attack the victim, because they want to believe, their confidence and intelect protect them somehow.
They tightly holding on to this misconception, as they see it as the only way, to escape the problem and not have to think about it.
They don't understand, that they have been coerced already.
Violent men must never ever be named and held to account for their male choice to inflict male violence on women! This is why innumerable men and sadly many women immediately dismiss a woman's evidence that x male inflicted male violence on her because this would mean holding the violent male to account!
I'm still waiting for men to hysterically declare 'well that male victim who claimed another male attacked him is responsible for his own attack because he didn't take measures to ensure his safety!' Or - 'what possessed that man to walk out in public at 2.00 am in the morning!!! Why wasn't he at home rather than out in public and inviting (sic) a male/males to attack him!'
Have you seen what they do when men do come forward with reports like this? They mock and belittle him. That's what happened with Terry Crews. https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-44625597
Yes but it was just one male and commonly malestream media always portrays women as somehow wholly/partially responsible for not preventing any male from inflicting male violence on them! I repeat I've yet to read or hear of any male being told he was responsible for causing another male/males to inflict male violence on him! Do we ever hear of men being told 'don't go out at night; always dress conservatively; do not drink too much alcohol because this incites other males to attack the drunken male/males!'
I have done that, I received concussion at school for being racist, that was after he and his friend goaded me into that. More importantly, there is a difference between males and females, I believe that because of how the two sexes add up through life, females not wrongly would like to understand that they should be treated in a certain way, males can believe that they-should-be a certain way, if you know my wording, when things go wrong, that's why females can go through different degrees of personal devastation, whereas males find it hard to admit things.
What are you saying? Why don't you just come out and say what you mean directly without dancing around the topic?
Sorry I have been late to reply.Men feel they need to meet requirements based around support; females are thought to be loving mothers. That's my background, it's not my achievement.
I agree that these are societal expectations placed on men and women. However, I don't think it has anything to do with who they are just what society tells us they should be.
My favorite is getting blamed for talking to someone outside my race. I deserved what I got. It confused me at 22 and it still confuses me ,that at 53 ,it’s getting worse, not better. Anything to do with sex especially non-consensual makes people lose their reasoning skills & they assume it could never happen to them. We should be Thanking her coming forward and speaking out, not victimizing her more. We have to do better supporting others especially when we understand the cycles of abuse.
Andrew Tate is a sick young man. I can't take him seriously. Sadly, many people do.
I myself have survived domestic violence coupled with severe psychological and emotional abuse. In my case the so called "professionals" I turned to for help, only abused and traumatized me further, perjuring themselves in court repeatedly to have me sectioned or "involuntarily committed" as they call it Stateside, benefits trafficking and continuing to "study" & "observe" my reactions to worsening trauma and abuse, as well as repeated attempts at unnecessary forced drugging with known neurotoxins over and above my objections, definitely against my will. Even my some of my so called friends were complicit in the victim blaming, which further breaks my heart. They even colluded to have me forced ECT while I was unconscious, technically dead from my heart problems. At present I'm finally away from him and the toxic "professionals" who also stole my identity, got loans & credit cards in my name, amongst other criminal activities, but I'm also homeless and lost all my Worldly possessions, including my beloved cats' ashes and photos, I have no family and friends to turn to, and as an autistic woman with CPTSD from my family of origin as well as Lupus & heart problems & only the SSDI payments I get at present, it's certainly not easy. But I'm speaking up about all the abuses and toxic behaviors I've endured and survived. My goal is to help others who have too been abused and exploited and survived to heal.
To not acknowledge the toxic behaviors of others, the complexities of life and humanity across the board and taking more of an approach of understanding and empathy and looking at the big picture, is what's required and how the much needed changes will happen. Those who have intentionally done harm need to be held to account and those who have been harmed need to be supported in healing so all involved can make whatever changes necessary to have happier, healthier and more peaceful lives, for the good of the individuals involved as well as society itself.
Always appreciate your insightful, well written posts and timely choice of topics, Dr. Taylor. Many thanks for your writing and the opportunity to comment and provide a community that so many women need and appreciate. God Bless you and everyone reading and may more empathetic, healing and peaceful days be ahead for all of us ❤️♾️
Thank you Jess for pulling me up. I, like many others, thought WTF are you getting involved with a known violent asshole? I didn't even think about the potential gaslighting he did. You won't see this, but sorry Bri.
Funnily enough I wrote something similar about tactics used to silence women before this news broke and it’s interesting to see them all in play in this latest instance. You’re right to point them out because they have nothing to do with justice and everything to do with reinforcing a system of male supremacy.
https://heatherbrooke.substack.com/p/hidden-in-plain-sight-part-2
These sound so familiar.
I think that men, and women, who want to become 'powerful' or 'rich' must fight that part of themselves that represents equality and decency. In order to support their sense of entitlement they must belittle all those that threaten to oppose them and believe them to be inferior and sub-human.
This is not a new trend, it is a psychological necessity for those who grasp money/power. Our most 'powerful' leaders are also our most devious and inhumane leaders. They, and their followers, trance-walk into a life of truth-denial, self-justification, and lost humanity.
I.M.H.O.
You can agree, you can say that you should only talk about any victim if and or when you know that person to the degree of intimacy required to know that you do not create further abuse. I think quite a lot about differences between America and Britain; Americans have freedom of speech and a psychological form based in coming from settlers in that country; you can read a book like Jane Sexes it Up and read that they can expect a level of confidence and understanding of relevent facts that we don't. I thought Andrew Tate was attached to politics in this country because of the sound of his name, then the facts gradually creep up on you, and that he is a misogynist with criminality added. I've just spoken to someone about my personal experiences with people I thought of as friends in relation to facts about insecurity, and what you should ascertain with someone is that they are not involved in criminality, because there is a spectrum of a personality where the lack of ability for a person to describe themself gets added to a belief that they can't get what they want from life unless they use force and take, because if something goes wrong in the relationship it can place you in a very bad, endangered position; I was involved with an apparent well-to-do family involved with teaching, the father took part in a volume of tax evasion because he moonlighted doing discos to pay for his annual skiing holiday; one day he gave me a menacing glance and said that if anyone informed on him that he would drag everybody he could down with him, you can have your own little bits and pieces involving more than friendship, shortfall(reported) in N.I. stamp payments, and the important things that you should notice to preserve your own safety go almost completely unnoticed, until things change, then details you thought they believe in change, because that's how these things go, then your lifes in danger. They speak differently in America though; Dr.Taylor interprets what has been written differently to me and others, unless you know the sources of information as she does, unless you know the connections as she does, otherwise the examples separate into varying contexts. I have my own gentle ideas about how to be with a female, with insecurity, others don't, they can think that the differences between male and female mean that they must need what they consist of, and because of the nature of assertiveness and masculinity that they choose, it doesn't necessarily add up to what is obvious compatability to others. In Jane Sexes it Up, it portrays a volume of feminism and lesbianism which is quite aggressive and reads like it is a womans movement trying to create greater equality for women; but reading one chapter was quite odd, there was a club for lesbians where males made approaches on females, but at one point, because of the use of strap on phalluses, I became a little disorientated, which may be obvious to Dr.Taylor, she may know this was all about lesbianism, there is no movement like this to create equality for women in America- it's just me who reads it as suggesting that women are making moves to bring the sexes closer together, as opposed to seeing things as they see them, which is incompatability between the sexes, which is an overall view of the book, which is that some women look for something better; I have grown with being told that women have a better time in sex than men, in the book it reads like it is surprisingly similar-seemed unbelievable.
Imagine being 5 yeas old, getting taken from your kindergarten classroom on a regular basis, delivered to pedophiles, and then returned to class. Then imagine that nobody on the school board, city council, or in law enforcement does a single thing to help. Imagine the completely ignore it. Imagine they cover it up.
Then ask yourself WHY?
https://rumble.com/v5iskx7--gps-tracks-colorado-5yr-old-in-public-school-child-rape-trafficking-weld-a.html
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5rmHnA0UWU&t=1660s
https://concernedweldcitizen.substack.com/p/gps-tracks-5-year-old-in-public-school
I agree completely, people are different, I've had it myself, you can inform medical staff directly, and they don't necessarily believe you, you can tell them one thing, they can tell you something from their education, which isn't the same, you can tell them your lifes in danger, if it's too difficult for them, they just fob you off, that description is too dismissive of their professional and personal factors. It's a very unfortunate fact, but people who know other people personally enough to speak to someone in a traumatised condition, and there are problems with you doing that, because you don't know the traumatised person that well.