You've hit the nail on the head yet again, Jess. I've been thinking this week about a tendency I have towards self-deprecation and putting myself down. It has been my experience that showing my true talents and really being me has so often led to resentment and passive aggression from other people, especially other women. I've got so used to the fear of provoking such negative feelings in others that I often feel I have to slam on the brakes; stop being funny or interesting or charming, just in case it riles someone up. Even reading this back feels like the worst kind of boastfulness. Let me finish by apologizing for daring to take up so much space talking about myself 😭
Although I can't help but agree with you on so many points, I find it really difficult to jump from one way of categorising/labelling to just, not. I know people who are abusive and have - what is pathologised as - NPD. There are too many similarities between these individuals, their backgrounds, and behaviours to disregard the label completely - without having something to replace it with.
There's also a whole system based around pathology. It is used as a way of controlling people. There are services/help/medication that people can't access unless they play the game (and be assessed for something or other). People struggling with their mental health (and the parents of) don't have the privilege of going against the grain. Eg, One minute parents in certain postcodes are told PDA doesn't exist and then months later children can't access therapeutic interventions unless they have a diagnosis of ASD with a PDA profile. Madness.
I guess it will all just take time for it to change.
Was discussing this with a friend recently. We came up with a myriad of examples of the following.
Pride has two sides. The positive, constructive side that benefits a person as well as those around them.
On the flip side, what seems like excessive pride can cause a person to do harm to other people. And by harming others, it actually causes self-harm by damaging relationships, eroding security and isolating from community.
I see this split very clearly amongst people with lots of wealth, and/or power. The expression says that with great power comes great responsibility, and for some this defines their handling of their power or wealth.
For many though, they cause harm to others to obtain/maintain excess. And it's an inflated sense of self-worth that justifies it.
Celebrating and recognizing one's self for all our good qualities and potential is wonderful and benefits everyone.
The opposite, or perhaps more accurately the extreme of self-love, is harmful to others, and eventually one's self.
What causes people to abuse then? What is the explanation for someone who does not allow certain ithers to hold a view that differs to theirs, who has double standards (eg able to justify their own affairs but highly jealous and accusatory even when no affair is happening), controls the finances because they tell you they will do it better than you, demands you play a certain role in a relationship irrespective of your own wishes, and blames you for all the things that go wrong in their life? I could go on.
Is it, after all, as the abuser would have me believe, my fault for whatever reason? Am I to blame for not understanding what a healthy boundary is, and allowing someone else to take advantage of this?
I feel as if all the progress I have made in regaining myself and my life has been destroyed after reading this article. Surely your viewpoint is one angle on a multi-faceted subject?
Many things cause people to become abusive - look at the world around you, it is pro-abuse. It encourages and supports abuse. There are zero consequences - and people hate victims speaking out. It’s fertile ground for abusive behaviours to thrive - this isn’t a mental illness to be abusive - arguably it’s easier than committing to never be abusive or violent in this society.
You are not to blame for anything they did to you - it’s all on them. It’s all their choices. It’s all their own behaviours and all their responsibility.
Did the progress in your life rely on framing others as mentally ill to understand their behaviour?
My experience of abuse was by someone who manifested all of the behaviours associated with the label of covert narcissistic personality disorder. I came across this concept almost by accident but I have to admit it really helped with my recovery because it gave me a framework to make sense of my experience. Once you understand the dynamics of abuse, it becomes possible to start the (long) journey to reclaiming yourself and your life, and for me, the NPD label facilitated this. I guess it is easier to think of these people as mentally ill because otherwise, what are they? Monsters created by a society that has normalised abusive behaviours maybe. And in saying this, the lightbulb has just lit up In my head. Maybe this is exactly what you are suggesting?
From what I can tell, sometimes there is a price to be paid from achieving ones goals that not everyone is willing to pay. The grief too strong, for example. God doesn't take something from your life without replacing it with something better. So why do we fail, then. Perhaps the path to success changes that seems like a set back but really is a blessing in disguise. If psychiatry really is based on Catholism, then God has a say in it. The devil will ofcourse try to set you on the wrong course by perhaps cheating your way to success where God will intervene to make sure your success is true to heart. If I'm not mistaken most possession cases where chalked up to mental illness, perhaps then it's just that. God hiding in plain sight fighting demons you can't see. So, why is mental disorder over diagnosed? The devil, tries to play God. He can't, so he fails. As the stroy of Sisyphus tells. Good luck on your journey, I hope you fair well.
You've hit the nail on the head yet again, Jess. I've been thinking this week about a tendency I have towards self-deprecation and putting myself down. It has been my experience that showing my true talents and really being me has so often led to resentment and passive aggression from other people, especially other women. I've got so used to the fear of provoking such negative feelings in others that I often feel I have to slam on the brakes; stop being funny or interesting or charming, just in case it riles someone up. Even reading this back feels like the worst kind of boastfulness. Let me finish by apologizing for daring to take up so much space talking about myself 😭
Although I can't help but agree with you on so many points, I find it really difficult to jump from one way of categorising/labelling to just, not. I know people who are abusive and have - what is pathologised as - NPD. There are too many similarities between these individuals, their backgrounds, and behaviours to disregard the label completely - without having something to replace it with.
There's also a whole system based around pathology. It is used as a way of controlling people. There are services/help/medication that people can't access unless they play the game (and be assessed for something or other). People struggling with their mental health (and the parents of) don't have the privilege of going against the grain. Eg, One minute parents in certain postcodes are told PDA doesn't exist and then months later children can't access therapeutic interventions unless they have a diagnosis of ASD with a PDA profile. Madness.
I guess it will all just take time for it to change.
Was discussing this with a friend recently. We came up with a myriad of examples of the following.
Pride has two sides. The positive, constructive side that benefits a person as well as those around them.
On the flip side, what seems like excessive pride can cause a person to do harm to other people. And by harming others, it actually causes self-harm by damaging relationships, eroding security and isolating from community.
I see this split very clearly amongst people with lots of wealth, and/or power. The expression says that with great power comes great responsibility, and for some this defines their handling of their power or wealth.
For many though, they cause harm to others to obtain/maintain excess. And it's an inflated sense of self-worth that justifies it.
Celebrating and recognizing one's self for all our good qualities and potential is wonderful and benefits everyone.
The opposite, or perhaps more accurately the extreme of self-love, is harmful to others, and eventually one's self.
What causes people to abuse then? What is the explanation for someone who does not allow certain ithers to hold a view that differs to theirs, who has double standards (eg able to justify their own affairs but highly jealous and accusatory even when no affair is happening), controls the finances because they tell you they will do it better than you, demands you play a certain role in a relationship irrespective of your own wishes, and blames you for all the things that go wrong in their life? I could go on.
Is it, after all, as the abuser would have me believe, my fault for whatever reason? Am I to blame for not understanding what a healthy boundary is, and allowing someone else to take advantage of this?
I feel as if all the progress I have made in regaining myself and my life has been destroyed after reading this article. Surely your viewpoint is one angle on a multi-faceted subject?
Many things cause people to become abusive - look at the world around you, it is pro-abuse. It encourages and supports abuse. There are zero consequences - and people hate victims speaking out. It’s fertile ground for abusive behaviours to thrive - this isn’t a mental illness to be abusive - arguably it’s easier than committing to never be abusive or violent in this society.
You are not to blame for anything they did to you - it’s all on them. It’s all their choices. It’s all their own behaviours and all their responsibility.
Did the progress in your life rely on framing others as mentally ill to understand their behaviour?
My experience of abuse was by someone who manifested all of the behaviours associated with the label of covert narcissistic personality disorder. I came across this concept almost by accident but I have to admit it really helped with my recovery because it gave me a framework to make sense of my experience. Once you understand the dynamics of abuse, it becomes possible to start the (long) journey to reclaiming yourself and your life, and for me, the NPD label facilitated this. I guess it is easier to think of these people as mentally ill because otherwise, what are they? Monsters created by a society that has normalised abusive behaviours maybe. And in saying this, the lightbulb has just lit up In my head. Maybe this is exactly what you are suggesting?
From what I can tell, sometimes there is a price to be paid from achieving ones goals that not everyone is willing to pay. The grief too strong, for example. God doesn't take something from your life without replacing it with something better. So why do we fail, then. Perhaps the path to success changes that seems like a set back but really is a blessing in disguise. If psychiatry really is based on Catholism, then God has a say in it. The devil will ofcourse try to set you on the wrong course by perhaps cheating your way to success where God will intervene to make sure your success is true to heart. If I'm not mistaken most possession cases where chalked up to mental illness, perhaps then it's just that. God hiding in plain sight fighting demons you can't see. So, why is mental disorder over diagnosed? The devil, tries to play God. He can't, so he fails. As the stroy of Sisyphus tells. Good luck on your journey, I hope you fair well.